It’s there, always there, sort of out of the corner of my eye. I can see its shadow, yet when I turn around to look straight into it, it’s gone.
Recently, a couple of people have told me they believe I can do anything and everything. I challenged that claim in both cases, but they were adamant about it. It’s awesome when people have faith in you… faith you don’t even have in yourself.
I can’t fly, I replied, trying to be clever. Yet, one of them answered. Simply awesome.
For a while now, I’ve been thinking about the ultimate challenge. If you’ve been coming around here for a while, then you’ll know I’m all about challenging myself, becoming a better, improved version of myself, all that.
I couldn’t run, so I started running. I’m scared of heights, so I decided to try abseiling. Things like that (I’m still scared of heights, by the way)
My day to day is filled with small challenges, very much like when we were kids and someone said I dare you to run over there and jump on the puddle, or any other silly challenge. They don’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, but they’re the small steps that amount to a bigger change, a better self, the daily what ifs that make you feel just a tiny bit prouder of yourself.
I keep challenging myself: I want to learn, to do, to explore… I know I talk about it constantly, and I know it might become quite boring, but there’s something I never really speak about… The ultimate challenge.
Some of you, those that know me really well, might be even nodding right now. Yes, you probably guessed what I’m (not) talking about.
In order to get inspiration for posts, I follow The Daily Post here at WordPress. They send you daily emails with prompts to help you write daily, or weekly, or whenever… I never use any of the topics, mainly because I read them quickly in the morning, and I don’t have the time; or because I can’t think of anything related to the topic. Often, I think about a topic weeks after the prompt, and then I don’t feel like writing about it any more or, if I do, I don’t tag them as a Daily Post one.
Recently, the prompt was to write about that one thing we would never write about in our blog. That was a tricky one, yes so easy. I knew straight away a topic I would not really write about here… And yet today, here I am (still not writing about it). Today I am tagging it, though, even if it’s been a while (5th June, to be more exact!)
A friend, even a bit longer ago, told me she thought I would manage that challenge in the end. She thought I would find the strength and courage I need to overcome it and prevail. I said I disagreed, but only 98% convinced. I agreed for that tiny 2%, which is enough to keep the static noise at the back of my mind.
I keep thinking about it. I keep toying with the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could actually challenge myself to this, and maybe, just maybe, I could actually make it. Before I have finished forming that thought though, I quickly discard the idea. I’m a chicken.
Sometimes, however, I catch myself thinking about it, and studying the options, the hows and the whens. I am still terrified of even saying it out loud, but there it is… deep beneath layers of protective thoughts and safe mental devices, just there, just out of reach, there it lies the what if…
Will I ever be brave enough and challenge myself to it? I cannot know for sure right now, but I know I’ve dome some baby steps towards it.
However, I still won’t write about it here…
The reason why I am not writing about it today is because I read a wonderful post written by Cory Hersh, that explains the feelings perfectly, the why I won’t write about it, the why I can’t challenge myself.
It doesn’t explain the why I might, though. Why might I actually do it some day? Because it’s a weakness, and I don’t like it. I like challenges, but this might be way out of my league… I think it would be easier to learn how to fly.