just random stuff, life

Eternal Struggle


Today I have made a discovery… I feel that I’m quite tired lately, mainly to having strange dreams and waking up many times at night. Mornings feel like a bit of torture, also not helped by the fact that I’m never in bed before 12am.

This morning, when I opened my eyes, I felt the cold outside. I was warm in my bed, under my duvet, but I could feel the air outside my flat was crisp. I quickly, if drowsily, made a mental scan of my wardrobe and drawers, trying to find the warmest clothes to wear and regretted not having thermal and down layers to wear. Suddenly, the image of my snowboarding trousers, tucked away in storage under the bed, seemed like a longed-for comfort.

It’s not officially winter, yet it feels as such. The fact that when my first alarm goes off (the one that tries to get me out of bed and up for a workout and maybe even a breakfast) it’s still dark outside, doesn’t help. I whisper the eternal mantra to myself, five minutes more, and go back to sleep, telling myself I just need to choose an outfit so I don’t waste time later on. It’s a daily lie, and not one I ever believe.

Every night I’m full of good intentions, getting up early, having a nice, healthy breakfast; working out and arrive at work awake and refreshed. Every morning, my body tells a different story.

I am a night person, that’s no secret. I much rather stay up until 3am than wake up at 6am. The world is unfortunately planned for early birds, not for night owls. When you work an office job, you need to be at work at a certain time… So I trick myself to be a functional human being.

Every night I trick myself into thinking that if I go to bed before 12am, everything will be fine. I say to myself I will be able to sleep so and so many hours, hiding from myself the fact that I never fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed. Tested and proven. It doesn’t matter whether I go to bed at 10pm or at 1am… I never sleep early. I could be fighting to keep my eyes open, but as soon as darkness surrounds me, my brain’s activity spikes.

Anyway, the true reason for today’s post was motivation.

Since I am very tired lately, I haven’t worked out much. Last week I missed both zumba and boxercise, and I think I only ran (dragged myself on the treadmill) one day (15 minutes). This week, the 10k run in Greenwich Park is testing my resolve, quietly but unrelentingly. I still remember how running in that park feels from my first 10k ever, dressed as a Santa, and it wasn’t pretty. I would have thought this time around I would be ready for it, but the truth is I’m not. I feel less ready even, because not only I have to fight the physical obstacles (tiredness, preparation, actual running the route) but also last time’s memory. I’m dreading it.

To be completely honest, I’m doubting I’ll make a good time. They say the surest way to fail is to think you will, and here I am, thinking I’ll be lucky to even finish.

What’s happening to me?

Since November started, I’m feeling discouraged. It’s cold, darker, I’m tired, both physically and mentally, and I don’t see any changes in the near future. I basically need a break. I know, I’m always doing too many things, so I would get tired at some point. You’re right, but all the things I am always doing have a reason, and the reason is to keep me entertained and motivated, to change my mind and clear my thoughts.

This week or so, my FuelBand was broken and believe it or not, I’ve noticed the impact it’s had on my activity levels. For instance, I have no watch on me. Yes, I do carry my phone, but it’s normally stored away in my handbag or something. I like having the band on me so I can keep an eye. Normally, I have my daily goals to achieve, and it might sound silly, but it helps. If I don’t reach my goal one day, I feel bummed and ready to hit the treadmill on the following one. If one day I’m feeling tired and not motivated, but I see that I’m still a bit far from my goal, it pushes me to go to the gym or go for a run.

I know winter is going to be tough. I still haven’t explored running routes around Blackheath Common, and I still don’t understand why, but I’m sure it will get worse the shorter the days become. I guess I’m trying to get back on a track I seem to lose sight of all the time.

How do you keep motivated to go out and do sports in winter? When it’s chilly outside, and you can feel it in your bones, the last thing you want to do is go for a run in the cold weather, and sofa and a film sound like an awesome plan. Aching muscles and a runny nose don’t help much either.

I would like to hear any tips you may have on this, because my body is telling me to stock up for winter, and I know that’s a terrible idea right now…

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