On bad choices, and some good ones

Shall I be honest with you? Today, I really don’t feel like I want to write a post. I don’t have the energy, nor the willpower, but you know, if I stop now, I really don’t know when I will pick it up again and before you know it, it might be a month or two in which I disappear from here.

I know we all say this sort of thing every time we go out, but I honestly don’t want to drink ever again. I don’t like who I am when I get drunk and I don’t like feeling like an idiot the following day. Also, I don’t enjoy hangovers at all.

Last night, after the party, I was on my way home, a bit drunker than I should have, and decided it was a great idea to message this cute guy to ask him if he wanted to have a drink with me some day. A friend had been encouraging me to “do something” and so I messaged him. It was a very short message, quite to the point. If I were a strong person I would add “I sent it, and then I forgot about it.” Unfortunately, I’m not a strong person, so I didn’t forget about it at all. Within 15 minutes of pressing send, I started regretting my decision. Thanks to Facebook, I saw that the message had been read, and since I haven’t had any response yet, it must only mean the subject at hand is not interested in having a drink with me.

Some might say that I was quite courageous and that I shouldn’t care and just focus on the next guy. However, I do care. I care a lot. See, I don’t like making first moves of any kind because my self-esteem is this fragile thing that might shatter quite easily. It’s had some small cracks for a while now, after different rejections (heck, I’ve been even friend-zoned on Tinder!) and finding that I can’t seem to find a guy I want to spend time with, who also wants to spend time with me. My self-esteem has been cracking for a while now, because the guy I like at the moment doesn’t like me back. Actually, I’ve never asked him, because he isn’t single and that would be karmic suicide or something. So jumping with my eyes closed last night and messaging that other guy was kind of a big risk for me.

I should be used to it by now. Only I’m not. Plenty of fish out there in the sea, and “next!” and all that sounds great on paper. Only when this sort of thing happens, I never think “next”, I always think “last.” That’s very bad for your mental health, I believe.

Last night, for the first time in a very long time (years, actually), I almost got myself a cigarette when I was at that party. That would have been catastrophic. I blame alcohol, and me being an idiot. Fortunately for me, I realised of what was going through my head at that moment and stopped myself before I even said anything out loud.

Today, I’ve been feeling rough, and have been lazy, watching TV all day long and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been bashing my head against the wall (not literally) all day long, because I feel so embarrassed by asking a guy out for a drink, when he hasn’t even replied to me. If I do think about it, it’s he who should be embarrassed, for not even replying, but that’s little comfort. Truth is, I’m still the one that feels rejected, once again.

As I’m writing this, I’m wondering if I’m really going to publish this post, because it’s much more personal than anything I normally write about. Is there a chance of my unavailable crush to read this? I don’t know. For all I know, he doesn’t even know I have a blog (and even if he did, I’m counting on the fact that he probably won’t realise it’s him). I’m not writing this so I get a pat on the back, or a compliment from you, or anything like that, but more as a way of letting you know what goes on inside my head sometimes.

People tell me I’m confident and brave and always happy. Unfortunately, that is not the case. There’s a lot going on under the surface, it’s just that I don’t choose to show it and I’m quick to put on a smile and make a joke about it. If you get to see me in person tomorrow, I’ll probably be on my best behaviour, sporting my widest smile. See, I try to follow a few rules. When something makes me sad, I allow myself to delve in it for a certain period of time, before I make myself snap out of it and go back to my usual self. As Barney (How I Met Your Mother) says, when I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. So if we bump into each other tomorrow, rest assured I’ll be OK. This whole thing is going to still bother me, of course, I’m not a machine, but at least it won’t dampen my day.

And look at this, I even got a post out of it! Silver linings, after all!

I’ve decided that I’m not going to drink alcohol for a while. I know what some of you must be thinking, but every time I go out, I realise afterwards that I don’t really enjoy it, so I’m going to do a small experiment and see how it goes. Last time I decided to stop drinking for a while, I happened to go to Paris to visit my friend Aissa, and this time, I happen to go to Strasbourg to meet her and two other friends from uni. Last time it was a disaster and I got very drunk while on my trip, and felt even worse the following day (although it also proved, once more, that I have quite a good control over the things that matter when I’m drunk, which is always a relief). I wonder how this trip is going to go. As of now, let’s just assume that I’m not drinking alcohol for an indefinite amount of time.