Day 3. It feels weird this time around, I guess because I have a bunch of other stuff crowding my mind too.

It seems that my default comforting activity is to eat, and to eat junk food. OK, not junk food as such, since I don’t normally go to fast food outlets, but you know what I mean, non-compliant food seems to be my jam (that pun might or might not have been intentional…).

It’s no secret that I haven’t been feeling my best for the past couple of weeks (past month?). A lot of things have been piling up on top of one another and I’ve been feeling like forgetting about everything and just taking a nap. A month long nap, actually.

First, the flat. The boiler is not working and you know how this goes, the landlord never wants to spend money so you have to argue and pretty much annoy the estate agents until they agree to fix it just so you leave them alone. The problem with it is that it suddenly stops. Now, during summer, I don’t care about the heater, but the main issue is not having hot water to do the dishes! Especially when you like cooking! Of course, every time someone came to check it, they flicked a switch and voilà, it worked again, so they refused to fix it. And of course, after a day or two it would malfunction again.

I’ve been sending stern emails in which I pretty much wanted to tell them to go take a hike, but I’ve restrained myself and just drily stated my complaint and what I expected them to do and when, without actually saying anything along the lines of not paying rent or similar (although the tone of my emails clearly showed I’d had enough). Finally, some dude went to the flat today and informed me that the boiler is indeed broken and he needs to order parts, which will take a few days to arrive… Of course they will.

The toilet was also broken, and the overflow wasn’t stopping so for a few days we just had a constant stream of water coming out of the pipe outside (clean water, the one filling the tank). Again, it took a few tries to get this fixed.

Work has been (is) busy. Way too busy sometimes, with tasks and projects being thrown at my lap. I am expected to say when it becomes too much, which I’ve already said about a couple of jobs, and the answer I’ve received is to add them to my list and do them later on (to be chased about them almost straight away). I’ve also been given instructions to prioritise requests from a couple of people, to the point of dropping something I might already been working on if necessary to help that/those person/people. When the stuff I’m already working on is labelled as urgent and important by my boss, and requested to be done ASAP, what am I supposed to do?

I’ve been trying my best to not let it affect me, and I’ve sort of succeeded, except that after a stressful day at work I would go back to a cold home, which also has mould in some areas of the ceiling.

To top things off, I’ve been feeling pretty bad, physically speaking. I’ve been suffering from one ailment or another pretty much since I came back from Dublin, and the new treatment I’m on to help me with my health issues is on that phase in which is making it a bit worse before it’s been long enough to start having a positive effect on the problem. I’m exhausted, seriously.

I spent Saturday in bed all day. I didn’t even get out to eat, because I wasn’t feeling hungry at all, I just felt sick. In the evening, I did have some dinner, but nothing healthy to be honest.

When Oummou said to start Whole30 ASAP, I didn’t think it twice and jumped at the opportunity. After all, Whole30 is awesome!

I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have a fridge full of healthy choices, but I started anyway. So far, so good. My only problem is that I’m craving the less healthy choices. Right now, I would kill for a piece of toast bread, or a grilled cheese sandwich. I don’t even want to end up having a greasy burger from a fast food outlet, but I could really do with some cheese and crackers right now. Or a glass of wine.

For some reason, I think this time around is going to be trickier than last time. I say for some reason, but I’m almost certain I know exactly why. Everything is being a challenge these days and the only way I can treat myself easily is with food (which is the sort of behaviour Whole30 tries to address, by the way!).

I’m going to a concert tonight, and my friend has suggested a pub where we can meet. As soon as she said the name, I quickly checked their menu, and it seems I can have a bun-less burger with avocado and maybe a fried eggs, and a side of sweet potato fries (I can’t even have their salads, what has the world come to?). It will depend on what they add to the food… I didn’t have time to close my eyes before I saw the blue cheese option, and now that’s all I can think about. Still, I’m going to be strong. It’s really quite simple, come the time, I’ll have a decision to make, whether to choose the healthier option, or not. One decision will bring me closer to where I want to be, the other won’t.

Yesterday, at the end of the day, I just wanted to hop on a train and pretty much be carried home. I was super tired (having anaemia doesn’t help). Instead, I forced myself to walk to the station, so I grabbed Amit, who also walks to the same train station (ish), and asked him to walk together. When I got back to Lewisham, I fought myself all the way from the train to the bus stop trying to decide whether to take the bus or walk home. In the end, I told myself that if I wanted to go back to my step count, and if I wanted to be healthier, the only way I could was by actually doing it, so I walked. I also decided I would go the hard way, up the hill and back down (mostly I choose that way because there’s a traffic light that freaks me out that I would need to cross if I wanted the easy way home).

Last night it was spent cooking a roasted chicken following this recipe. I’ve done a similar one in the past, but with chorizo instead of bacon, and let me tell you it’s a winner! I also prepared jars and jars of cabbage slaw, so I have lunch for the rest of the week, and then some.

I realise that things never go according to plan and many times when you’re down, life decides to step on you a little bit more. The past couple of weeks were gruelling for me, and I have to admit they got to me. I’m lucky because I have people around me I can talk to, and I have my personal heroes who are always there to help, no matter what. I’m usually quite good at snapping out of it, as they say, but sometimes it’s too difficult and you just want a break.

Things aren’t improving right now, but at least they’re not getting worse, so that’s something. I’m waiting to hear about a flat I could potentially move to by mid-November, but the guy is dragging his feet a bit, so it might not happen in the end. Work is still busy and stressful, but I’m getting a tiny bit better at organising myself (delegate and do the tasks that require other people to get back to me first, for example). My health, well, that’s a different story. There’s nothing I can do and I need to wait a couple of months to see whether the treatment is working or not.

In the meantime, it’s been almost a month that I haven’t set foot in a gym, or dipped my toe in a pool, and that’s driving me crazy. Given that I’m still waiting to hear from the physio about my knee treatment, and that walking slowly and enjoying the scenery from home to the train already gets me out of breath, I know it’s the right thing to do, but I can’t wait to being active again.

So that’s me. I’m a bit cranky at the moment, and I want food for all the wrong reasons. I’m still making the right choices, but damn it’s difficult.

What about you? What’s been challenging you lately?