Entering the last stretch!

Tomorrow I’ll be in Strasbourg for a long weekend. I can’t wait.

For some reason, it feels weird. I’m travelling from Stansted, and I’m not sure how I’m getting to the airport from the other end of the planet (or so it feels, anyway). I thought I was being clever by booking a flight late afternoon, so I could have the morning to myself and do stuff at home. Oh, how confused I was! Turns out it’s going to take me over 2 hours to get to the airport, and since you have to get there earlier, and I don’t know the route, or the actual place… Ugh. Just ugh.

At least, I’m going to catch up with The Pack, the group of friends that were always together at university, here in the UK. I haven’t seen two of them in ages, and the other one, well, I see her pretty much every couple of months (hi Aissa!) It should be a fun weekend.

Aissa wants to go running this weekend, and I’m a bit worried about it. I’ve been avoiding running for many months, and I’m scared I will lace up my trainers and I will hurt myself again. I know I’m just being a chicken, but I can’t help it. However, I have to take that first stride at some point, because we’re starting to sign up for the Movember runs already at work, and I need to know if I can do it or not before I pay the entry fee.

Yes, Movember is almost around the corner (OK, still a while to go), and we’re taking part in the two London runs, the 5k in Battersea and the 10k in Greenwich. Not sure if I will run the latter anyway, because, well, Greenwich. Been there, done that (a few times) and yeah, it hurts.

Speaking of November in general. November also means NaNoWriMo. I don’t know if I will take part this year, since last year was such a disaster. I don’t know what I will write if I do take part. I think writing the half-way-through novel is a bit embarrassing, since I’ve been “working on it” for a few years now. I say “working on it” because I’ve been mostly not writing the novel. I’ve been doing anything but. I think maybe I lost that interest on the topic, or maybe the honeymoon period is over and now I’ve started to see the flaws of this long term relationship that is writing a good sized story. I don’t know. I still have the whole month of October to decide.

Speaking of October. Supposedly, you have to stop smoking during this month, and you have to be sober to fundraise against cancer, or something like that. I think I’m growing a bit disillusioned with fundraising, since I never get much in the piggy bank from people, so I probably won’t even try this time. However, I’m trying to go sober for a while. I keep forgetting and say things like “ooh, beer, I could have a beer now…” before realising and reminding myself that I’ve actually given up alcohol. So far, I’ve never had this inner conversation in a beer-providing place, so it’s been all right. Let’s see what happens when the festivities begin.

Work is also quite busy at the moment. Finally finished the quarterly newsletter, which I never thought would happen, and we’re ready to launch a book club, with posters and all. I’ve been helping with different initiatives and have lots of ideas… I just need to find the time! I think it’s going to get quite busy towards the end of the year.

And that seamlessly brings me to my last topic of the day… Christmas. I don’t know what I will do this year. I don’t know if going back to Spain, or staying here. It seems my brother is staying because he has to work, and it seems he’s told my parents he doesn’t care whether I stay or go. So I’m free to do as I please. I still have about 15 days left of holidays, and I can carry over five, which leaves me with 10 days left to spend this year. That’s a lot of time, isn’t it? Will my conscience let me go back home and leave my brother here on his own? Hum… We’ll have to see.

There are plenty of events and projects in between all those big ones, but I don’t want to bore you all with details. How is your last quarter looking? Are you busy? Are you looking forward to the end of the year?

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Posted in just random stuff

On bad choices, and some good ones

Shall I be honest with you? Today, I really don’t feel like I want to write a post. I don’t have the energy, nor the willpower, but you know, if I stop now, I really don’t know when I will pick it up again and before you know it, it might be a month or two in which I disappear from here.

I know we all say this sort of thing every time we go out, but I honestly don’t want to drink ever again. I don’t like who I am when I get drunk and I don’t like feeling like an idiot the following day. Also, I don’t enjoy hangovers at all.

Last night, after the party, I was on my way home, a bit drunker than I should have, and decided it was a great idea to message this cute guy to ask him if he wanted to have a drink with me some day. A friend had been encouraging me to “do something” and so I messaged him. It was a very short message, quite to the point. If I were a strong person I would add “I sent it, and then I forgot about it.” Unfortunately, I’m not a strong person, so I didn’t forget about it at all. Within 15 minutes of pressing send, I started regretting my decision. Thanks to Facebook, I saw that the message had been read, and since I haven’t had any response yet, it must only mean the subject at hand is not interested in having a drink with me.

Some might say that I was quite courageous and that I shouldn’t care and just focus on the next guy. However, I do care. I care a lot. See, I don’t like making first moves of any kind because my self-esteem is this fragile thing that might shatter quite easily. It’s had some small cracks for a while now, after different rejections (heck, I’ve been even friend-zoned on Tinder!) and finding that I can’t seem to find a guy I want to spend time with, who also wants to spend time with me. My self-esteem has been cracking for a while now, because the guy I like at the moment doesn’t like me back. Actually, I’ve never asked him, because he isn’t single and that would be karmic suicide or something. So jumping with my eyes closed last night and messaging that other guy was kind of a big risk for me.

I should be used to it by now. Only I’m not. Plenty of fish out there in the sea, and “next!” and all that sounds great on paper. Only when this sort of thing happens, I never think “next”, I always think “last.” That’s very bad for your mental health, I believe.

Last night, for the first time in a very long time (years, actually), I almost got myself a cigarette when I was at that party. That would have been catastrophic. I blame alcohol, and me being an idiot. Fortunately for me, I realised of what was going through my head at that moment and stopped myself before I even said anything out loud.

Today, I’ve been feeling rough, and have been lazy, watching TV all day long and feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been bashing my head against the wall (not literally) all day long, because I feel so embarrassed by asking a guy out for a drink, when he hasn’t even replied to me. If I do think about it, it’s he who should be embarrassed, for not even replying, but that’s little comfort. Truth is, I’m still the one that feels rejected, once again.

As I’m writing this, I’m wondering if I’m really going to publish this post, because it’s much more personal than anything I normally write about. Is there a chance of my unavailable crush to read this? I don’t know. For all I know, he doesn’t even know I have a blog (and even if he did, I’m counting on the fact that he probably won’t realise it’s him). I’m not writing this so I get a pat on the back, or a compliment from you, or anything like that, but more as a way of letting you know what goes on inside my head sometimes.

People tell me I’m confident and brave and always happy. Unfortunately, that is not the case. There’s a lot going on under the surface, it’s just that I don’t choose to show it and I’m quick to put on a smile and make a joke about it. If you get to see me in person tomorrow, I’ll probably be on my best behaviour, sporting my widest smile. See, I try to follow a few rules. When something makes me sad, I allow myself to delve in it for a certain period of time, before I make myself snap out of it and go back to my usual self. As Barney (How I Met Your Mother) says, when I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. So if we bump into each other tomorrow, rest assured I’ll be OK. This whole thing is going to still bother me, of course, I’m not a machine, but at least it won’t dampen my day.

And look at this, I even got a post out of it! Silver linings, after all!

I’ve decided that I’m not going to drink alcohol for a while. I know what some of you must be thinking, but every time I go out, I realise afterwards that I don’t really enjoy it, so I’m going to do a small experiment and see how it goes. Last time I decided to stop drinking for a while, I happened to go to Paris to visit my friend Aissa, and this time, I happen to go to Strasbourg to meet her and two other friends from uni. Last time it was a disaster and I got very drunk while on my trip, and felt even worse the following day (although it also proved, once more, that I have quite a good control over the things that matter when I’m drunk, which is always a relief). I wonder how this trip is going to go. As of now, let’s just assume that I’m not drinking alcohol for an indefinite amount of time.

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Posted in life
marz

This is me! I'm a photographer, and a writer with a 9-5ish job. Read more about me here!

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